The politics of sex.

I said in a previous post that I’d say a few more things about men who tell you that “Of course we’ll still be friends even if I don’t get to have wild, mind-blowing, fuck-of-a-lifetime sex with you. Of course.”


I just think that if you’re going to go after someone, be prepared to be turned down (hopefully in a nice way, at least), just as much as you anticipate getting what you want. If you tell me you want to be my friend whether or not we do have sex, mean it.

I’m a very upfront and transparent person. If all you want from me is sex, then we can work from there. I appreciate simple honesty far more than huge production numbers that are only designed to impress me. I don’t impress easy. The man I’m with has set the bar so incredibly high you’d get a nosebleed just thinking about my standards.

Don’t attempt friendship with me with an ulterior motive, then get all mopey and sullen if I turn you down. If you’re happy being my friend, then that’s great. If we ever get around to having sex, that’s a huge bonus for both of us.

I’m honest. As far as I can possibly be. So I tell people that my husband and I are separated but still seeing each other regularly for our son’s sake, and I’m seeing someone now whom I love very very VERY much and who loves me back, and I’m not inclined to add to the intimate relationships I already have. Being polyamorous does NOT mean you go out and screw anything that crosses your path. It means being responsibly non-monogamous, and valuing each partner as much as you’d want to be valued yourself.

So if anyone comes seeking any kind of relationship with me, be it fuck-buddy or soulmate, at least they know what kind of person they’re dealing with up front. No nasty surprises along the line. These are my boundaries, and if you’ll tell me yours, we can respect each other and find common ground to explore the way we connect as human beings.

I just regret that this other person didn’t really want to pursue just-friendship with me. At least that’s the impression I’m getting. I suppose it’s either he thought that I was a monumental waste of time (because the only way he’d get to have sex with me is if he and I do a threesome with my lover — my lover is quite possessive and doesn’t want me alone with anyone, which suits me just fine), or it’s too complicated for him to be friends with someone he wants to have sex with.

Oh well. All I can say is, we could’ve been really good friends, and I wish him luck finding someone to scratch his itch. And who knows? If he’d been persistent, as well as relentless, he might even have gotten what he wanted anyway. Too bad he’ll never find out.



  1. chaote9 said,

    Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 5:04 pm

    i just love this post. Bwahahahaha…. can i say his name? please?

  2. miranoriel said,

    Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 6:50 pm

    Down, puppy dog. If you’ve figured out who it is (though there’s no way you could’ve), leave him be. He may not want to be just friends with me, but I liked him enough to protect his identity. Now sit. Stay.  Leave the nice man alone. That’s my puppy dog. 😀

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