Heading west.

I haven’t broken up badly with someone in a very long time.

It sucks ass.

Not only because he left in anger and has probably deleted every trace of me from his life, or because other people believe I led him on when all I wanted was for us to stay together in some shape or form, without the pressure of thinking about the future… but simply because it HURTS to lose someone you love, dammit.

We haven’t been lovers in a while, and now we’ll never even be friends.

It also sucks that other people decide to involve themselves and form opinions on the strength of one side of the story.

Whatever.

It’s over. He’s gone. And he’ll never know, or believe even if I told him, how much he means to me even though after this it’s evident that we really couldn’t have had a life together anyway.

The world has moved on, and all that’s left is to square my shoulders and go west.

I think of him, and wish things had gone differently. But when all someone has to say to you is “Spare me,” when you want to get them to understand how much they are and always will be a part of your life, then it’s time to hang up the apron, give back the keys, and lock the door behind you.

Wherever you are, Shepherd, I wish you well.

I love you, truly, though it didn’t work and there’s no chance of even a friendship, at least in your mind.

I didn’t mean to lead you on; I just thought that you meant what you said when you said you’d accept whatever happens, and what doesn’t. I believed you when you said you loved me unconditionally, which I understood to mean that you’d allow me to come to terms with everything, not on your schedule, but as they developed.

But that’s all moot.

I still wish you well. You’re too good a man to not find the happiness you deserve.

Our paths won’t cross again, but maybe you’ll decide one day to look back and appreciate what was good about what we had (and I honestly believe that there was a lot), and I hope you listen to that tiny voice inside you that knows for sure that I do love you and always will.

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2 Comments

  1. Admin said,

    Monday, December 25, 2006 at 10:29 pm

    The world moves on, dear. Some things change, and some things don’t. In the end, you decide which things to keep. Including friends.

    You don’t owe this man anything. You don’t even owe him your eternal love. Doing so will only burden you as you march on. And you certainly deserve far better…

  2. Friday, September 28, 2007 at 2:31 am

    Ah, well. What can I say? It’s a huge world, and life is still beautiful. 🙂 You’re a great girl.


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