The Business Plan That Can’t Lose

Alright, so listen up.

The Philippine 6/49 Lotto jackpot stands at an insane PhP182 Million. By Sunday, it’ll probably be at 200 million pesos, because everyone will be betting, hoping to stop being poor like the other 98% of our population.

Too bad for them, because I’m gonna win.

What’s more, I already have a business plan in the works for my 200 million pesos, that will keep the money growing, and make me… meee… MEEEEEEEE wealthier than my wildest dreams! And that doesn’t include the dreams with WWE Superstar Mick Foley in them! 😀

PLUS, my business plan capitalizes on Filipino culture and its uniquely silly blend of character traits. I can’t lose.

Step One: Sleazy Nightclub

Filipino men are drawn to strip clubs and sleazy nightclubs like flies to crap. Their machismo demands that they try to outdrink each other, and try to impress the strippers by buying them drinks and splurging on them with flowers and jewelry. Hire really pretty lesbian strippers, and let the customers drink themselves into a stupor of unrequited horniness. Win!

Step Two: Hospital

Drinking too much and smoking in the sleazy nightclub leads to all sorts of chronic disease. Therefore, you will need a hospital. With an attached pharmacy, of course. You’ve got a bonanza of treatable diseases, arising from hanging out at the strip club alone! Cancer from smoking, cirrhosis of the liver from drinking, high blood pressure from the delicious food Filipinos so love to have alongside their beer: fatty, fried, salty foods laden with MSG, cholesterol bombs that will land you in my hospital faster than your twenty bucks disappears into a stripper’s sequined bra. Bwahahahaaa.

Furthermore, bar fights cause injuries, some light, some severe. Band-aids and antibacterial ointment, they can buy at the pharmacy. Ka-ching! Bloody wounds that need stitches, we have the ER for that. Ka-ching! Win!

Now. We have a fork in the process. If the patient gets well, they go back to Step One. However, if they don’t make it, we have… Step Three.

Step Three: Funeral Parlor + Crematorium

What? Everyone dies. It’s an honorable business. Plus you NEVER run out of clientele. Sure it’s morbid, but nobody gets out alive anyway. See a need, fill a need!

Now we have the other, smaller businesses I can set up to act as auxiliaries to the Nightclub-Hospital-Funeral Parlor business model.

1. Flower shop – perfect! The men buy flowers to woo the pretty strippers with. People in the hospital get sent flowers too. Funerals need flowers as well. If the guy and the girl end up together, they get married. What do they need? More flowers! Win!

2. Pawnshop – Filipino males are lavish and extravagant suitors, over-extending themselves and pawning stuff just to impress a woman. Very macho culture, very third-world. So. To impress the pretty girl with expensive crap, they go into hock. If they end up in the hospital, they go into further hock to pay the hospital bills. Et cetera. Do I need to draw a diagram when someone dies? No, I didn’t think so. I love smart readers.

3. Beauty salon – Hey, the girls at the club have to look good, ‘no? Of course! You don’t get lots of customers if your girls look like crap. Regular manicures, pedicures, hair treatments, waxing, the whole nine yards. It’s a lot of work to look effortlessly beautiful. 😆 Plus, on a slow day, the makeup artist can make the dearly departed look flawless for their trip to the Great Beyond.

4. Beer distributor – Woohoo! Get a deal supplying beer to my own nightclub? WIN, baby!

Trust me, my business plan can’t lose. It’s a cycle that will keep the money coming in and growing. Plus, I’ll be employing so many Filipinos! Doctors! Nurses! Janitorial staff! Strippers! Pharmacists! I’ll be my own self-contained economy! How wonderful!

All I need now is that Lotto jackpot…

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5 Comments

  1. anti said,

    Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 2:53 am

    Hello my Good Friend!

    You do seem to have a good plan. Keep me in mind when you begin to think of branching out. I think such a franchise would be successful here in the US of A as well. 🙂

  2. miranoriel said,

    Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 8:40 am

    Woohoo! We have been graced by the presence of the totally amazing Miss anti! Yes’m, as soon as operations here are underway, you shall be running operations over that way, and we… will… own… the… world.

    Bwahahaaa.

    IBGGs rock. 😀

  3. marcoftheweb said,

    Friday, March 21, 2008 at 7:52 am

    LOL! You will be ruling the world in no time! 😉

    Don’t forget to add your own media conglomerate and political entourage, too, in order to protect your empire. And, of course, you want to be sure to go full circle and start up a big gambling ring as well! :-p

  4. miranoriel said,

    Friday, March 21, 2008 at 8:10 am

    Excellent call on the media conglomerate, Marc! The political entourage, I’d rather not. Silent, ambiguous power is much sexier. Isn’t it so much more fun to have politicians of every stripe falling all over themselves wooing you for support, and therefore, in true third-world fashion (and quite possibly first-world as well), try to make shady deals protecting your interests, and make all sorts of legally questionable concessions for you, therefore ensuring the vitality of your enterprise?

    Said shady deals and legally questionable concessions will come in handy for the gambling ring. 😉

  5. marcoftheweb said,

    Friday, March 21, 2008 at 8:33 am

    So true. Who needs a political entourage when you can, for all intents and purposes, own them with your media conglomerate.

    I’m quite positive your plan will work anywhere homo sapiens lurk… third world, first world, or out of this world… it won’t make much difference. 😉


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