A one way ticket on the Amtrak To Hell.

To say that I had second thoughts about writing this post is very likely the understatement of a lifetime. However, it’s been a couple of days, and a post I read by Roissy In DC refuses to leave my mind. In it, he says, among other things:

“The quintessential masculine quality women can’t resist is SUPREME UNSHAKEABLE CONFIDENCE.”

Please withhold your politically-correct tirades, dear Readers. I’m not out to change the world with my opinion, I’m just stating it — I agree with Roissy, because of my own personal experience and preference.

Reading the entire post sent chills up my spine, because it was a crystal-clear description of the mindset of the last person I was involved with. He was almost unbearably confident, articulate, brilliant; his wit was honed to a sarcasm of such razor sharpness he could have turned his back on you and walked away ten minutes ago before you realize you’ve been cut to ribbons. He possessed an insight to people so keen I almost pitied those whom he chose to place under scrutiny. Add to that the fact that he was massively attractive and incredibly sexual, and you have an alpha male made of kryptonite. To me, at least.

I belonged to him, completely, absolutely, and without question, and he was mine. He made me happier than I can remember being in a long time. He was also a very angry man, though, and was more than capable of being cold and cruel. He loved me, and I made him happy, which he hadn’t been in a long time. He told me I’d taken him out of a very bad place. Maybe he wasn’t used to just being happy, I don’t know.

He’s gone now. Vanished without a trace or explanation, nor even a word of goodbye. Last I heard of him, he seemed… angrier than ever. Which makes me sad. I liked to think, between the time he chose to walk away and when I got news of him, that he had found something or someone who made him happier than I did. Instead I found my beloved, my fallen idol, my sinister god, turned in on himself even more than when I first met him.

He crossed my path, with the exact attitude and mindset Roissy described, and resistance was futile. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, and his “supremely unshakeable confidence” that made him absolutely irresistible to me. I wonder absently if he ever thinks of me, and whether he knows that I love him still. Not just because he was such an alpha male, but because of who he was when he didn’t need to be a cocky, sarcastic, opinionated bastard. No matter what it was that drove him to walk away, if he chose to return, against all better judgment and the sage advice of many, I would want him back. He isn’t coming back, though. The Amtrak To Hell runs only one way, and when it’s gone, it’s gone.

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4 Comments

  1. sindy said,

    Monday, April 14, 2008 at 11:36 pm

    I feel for you here. I too had an irresistibly confident man who in reality was highly insecure. He was just very good at performing the act when his ego needed inflating. As you seem to know, but haven’t entirely faced, being bonded to a man like that is a truly wretched existence. When you value him over the air you breathe, you are in a world of trouble, sister. I’m still dealing with MY anger over falling for his academy award winning act at least 50 times with the same resulting disappearing act. Just when you can take it the least (which is always) he disappears “without a trace”, creating more drama with one fell swoop than most mere humans can create in a lifetime. I now see him completely for what he is: a loser, narcissist, and destroyer.

    Seduction is betrayal. Remember that, and protect your tender heart from the enemies of beauty; those who for whatever reason take more pleasure in destroying than creating. It’s not your job to “be there for them”. It’s your job to not be there for them.

  2. miranoriel said,

    Monday, April 14, 2008 at 11:59 pm

    Welcome, sindy, and thank you for the comment! 🙂

    This particular relationship was a learning experience beyond anything I’d ever known, without a doubt. It bothers my friends that I’m still deeply attached to this man, and with good reason. It was indeed wretched at the end, but damn I had an obscenely good time. Maybe one of these days I’ll get them to understand, though, that I know that it’s over. I’m probably lucky — I won’t get to fall for his act 50 times over, because he isn’t coming back. Ever.

    I’m glad that I know better now. Not saying I won’t find it devilishly hard to resist if another alpha comes along and decides I’m fair game — alphas = kryptonite; but at least I’ll see him for what he is, and can choose to play or walk away.

    Knowing me, however… it’d be best for me to walk away. I have the unfortunate habit of believing that a strong sexual, intellectual, and social connection is a prelude to falling in love.

    So much for high intelligence.

  3. mq said,

    Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:28 am

    –if he went away without any contact, that’s sort of a perverse act of caring for you. He knew that if he stayed in contact in any way, he would either manipulate you or take out his anger on you. He’s trying to isolate you from the damage.

    –try to think about times someone has *thought* you were in love with them — perhaps because you enjoyed their company, laughed with them, had good sex with them — but you haven’t actually really loved them. That will let you see and sympathize with his position. If you stay in the game long enough, you’ll end up on both sides of things a number of times.

    –it’s spiritually better to understand someone you loved who harmed you than it is to grow to hate them. Hatred is a form of continued involvement, and a damaging one. Right now, you’d go back to him. But time will change things. You’ll remember more of the bad stuff, and perhaps have experiences that lead you to appreciate having someone you can just relax and trust. Then you’ll just peacefully drift away from your fixation with him.

    Be well.

  4. miranoriel said,

    Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 6:22 am

    Thanks for the comment, mq! 🙂

    Actually, that’s exactly where I am now. In a subsequent post I talked about finding closure.

    It’s not easy to let go, especially when there weren’t any bad experiences. Seriously.

    I’m alright, though. Life goes on.

    Ka is a wheel.


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