It’s all coming back to me now. Via Meat Loaf, not Celine Dion.

Whoa. Talk about being blindsided.

I’d wondered whether it was a good idea to write that blog entry about Amtrak_To_Hell, and then yesterday I heard from his best friend, D — the person who introduced me to him. D needed help with something, and then mentioned that he’d read my blog, and told me to try to be at peace with myself. Which got me thinking. Am I?

Said thought process bringing me to the realization that I am at peace. I’m just still in love with his friend. I make no excuses for my feelings, and I can no more turn them off than tell the sun not to rise.

I’m still stuck on the Amtrak_To_Hell, despite the fact that it’s evident now that he never really loved me. Like I told D, I’m sad, not angry. My friends were in high dudgeon when they learned that he’d simply decided to walk away, without so much as a goodbye, and I understand how they could be angry. I’d feel the same for my friends, were our roles reversed. The worst I feel is… a terrible disappointment. He was brilliant at getting me to believe he would at least be honest with me if he wanted out. He played the role of the right person for me to the hilt, and it was a flawless performance.

He found me at a time I had chosen to be emotionally unavailable. I had every excuse in the book ready with which to fend him off, each of which he cut through with sublime, sinister ease. Can you say Gordian Knot?

He was relentless.

I like relentless.

It was a foregone conclusion that I would love him. I still do, for no other reason than he was who he was, when he was with me. Maybe the man I knew was a fiction, but that doesn’t matter to me. Whatever he may think of me, I will say this: I find it hard to believe that everything he said was untrue. Maybe I’m being naive, but those who know me know that I like to think that everyone has some good in them.

Hearing from D brought everything back, fresh and blindingly bright. The memory of that piercing gaze, and the sound of his “Heeeello.” Yeah, that boy messed me up good. Having voluntarily re-opened this wound and poked at it mercilessly with his music and pictures of his ginormous dog and excruciatingly beautiful eyes, I’m grateful for something new this day brought me, though. I realized that I do still love him now, but the day will come that I will forget. I sifted through memories of people I’ve loved and thought would never get over, and took comfort in the knowledge that I can think about them now and not be in anguish. So I figure I’ll be okay. I’m at peace.

Wherever you are, wherever you’re headed, I wish you well, and I hope you’re alright, and that you’re happy, whatever happy means to you. You may get a good laugh out of the idea that somewhere in the world someone can and does love you true, no matter what you’ve done, whomever you really are, but I don’t care.

So there. And two for flinching.

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